I experienced quite a bit by the time I was 25. I moved to a different country leaving behind family and friends, married, divorced, experienced heartache, loss, grief, uncertainty.
Why me?
Because it made me see. It made me pop out from under my ‘Cancerian Crab’ shell, and although still moving sideways, I was moving sideways a little bit older and wiser. It gave me strength, a voice. It made me stop and think. At 25 years of age, it really made me stop and think. Life is short.
Then all the usual ‘life’ bits in between. Moving to a new city for a new life, a new beginning. Starting a new job. Meeting new friends, and finding my laugh again after too many long years. Meeting M. Moving in together. Going to gigs, to pubs, to dinner, getting drunk, being silly, shedding tears, laughing – hysterical laughing, tears rolling down our faces.
Then, in June 2010, what was my first MS (Multiple Sclerosis) attack. The numbness. The pounding headaches. The uncertainty. Being scared. The sleepless nights. The tears. Oh how the tears fell. Big full on tears. Depression. The medical tests – what seemed a never ending of tests. Blood tests. Neck x-rays. More blood tests. MRI scans. Lumbar Punctures. More MRI scans…
Then the confirmed MS diagnosis a couple of years later. Then the relapses in between. The leg weakness. The weakness in my arm. The fatigue. More headaches. More sleepless nights. More uncertainty. More tears. Depression. Losing hope. Losing friends. Losing the will. More MRI scans. More blood tests. Disease Modifying Drugs. Self Injections…
Why me?
It made me appreciate life even more. To appreciate the little things. It awakened all my senses. It has made me stop and notice. Really notice. I notice the clouds moving oh so gently in the sky, dancing, making their amazing formations. I notice the birds flying free in the sky, sitting in the trees. I hear their morning chorus, their evening chorus. The smell after it rains. A freshly cut lawn. The fragrance of the flowers.
It awakened me. It made me look at myself, my life. It helped me grow even more. I learned (and am still learning every day) about a disease I had never heard of before. What this disease can do to my brain, my body. It made me educate myself about nutrition, diet and exercise. It made me delve deeper into my spiritual side. To practice Yoga. To practice Meditation. To be more aware of others. Their struggles. Their words. Their actions.
I started a blog. I found a whole new community. A community of other MSers/Chronically Ill, experiencing the same every day experiences. The support. The non-judgemental. The ‘pick-me-ups’ just when we need it. The vulnerability. The good times. The hard times. The tears. The laughs.
I have made some lovely connections and friends through the online community. I cry when I hear they are struggling. I cry when they are vulnerable. I cry happy tears when I see them smile, smiling through it all. I cry tears of happiness when they haven’t given up. I cry as I want to do more.
And I will…
I will continue to blog. I will continue to raise awareness. I will do what I can to help, to support others. To be another voice. I will educate. I will talk about the reality, the struggles of living with MS – a disease as yet, with no cure. I will do more. I know I will…
Why not me?
Namaste. x
myMSrollercoasterride 